10. Grandaddy – The Sophtware Slump (2000)

This album starts off in outer space and pretty much stays there the whole time. If you’re looking for gritty realism, then I would suggest Eminem or maybe even the JoBros. But if you want some pretty, spacey pop music, this one’s the ticket. Just light up a joint, find yourself a comfy chair, and let the sounds wash over you. Drifting away has never sounded so good. Just be careful not to drown in the synths, ‘cause they’re deep as shit.

9. The Wrens – The Meadowlands (2003)

How could a band sound so bored, and yet still sound so good? This mostly sounds like a band who is tired of life, but that doesn’t mean they lack emotion. Rather, their fatigue is their emotion, and it’s pretty powerful. Oh, and every single song is arranged masterfully, which helps make the whole thing be compelling rather than boring. Not an uplifting album, but not so depressing that regular listening will put you on suicide watch. Just the way I like it.

8. Animal Collective – Feels (2005)

Normally when I’m making a list like this, any album that I don’t feel is solid the whole way through is dismissed up front. There’s a good third of this album I really don’t care for, but the other songs are SO GOOD that they can carry this thing all the way to number eight. This album just feels warm and cozy, like being in the womb. But not a normal womb, a kind of weird and fucked up womb where things aren’t really what you expect and you can’t really ever get your head straight. And yes, it is every bit as good as I just made it sound.

7. The Strokes – Is This It (2001)

Okay, so here’s the one everyone can agree with me on. I think this has been on every decade list so far, and I’m not one to rock the boat. I don’t have a lot to say about this one that hasn’t been said a million times. The Strokes started off the decade right, nailing the new old sound of Rock ‘N Roll, and everyone else spent the next eight years trying to catch up. No one caught up. Note: That is the cover of the US version of the album because that’s the one I like.

6. The Fiery Furnaces – Blueberry Boat (2004)

Alright, here we go, my first 70+ minute album of the list. To those who say the Fiery Furnaces are just toooo pretentious for them, to you I say….. well, I can actually see where you’re coming from with that. But come on, you need to lighten up a little bit. The reason the Fiery Furnaces are so pretentious is because pretense exists for a reason, and when used properly it can lead to some pretty fine art. This is Art Rock with a capital “A”, but also with a capital “R”, and if you can get past the pretense, you might remember that “art rock” is not synonymous with “shitty music”.

5. The Flaming Lips – Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots (2002)

I feel like I’m letting my emotions get the better of me and that this album shouldn’t really be this high, but you know what? Fuck. That. When my musical landscape was dominated by Nine Inch Nails and Marilyn Manson, the Flaming Lips taught me that life is actually pretty great, if only we could realize it. Well, I realized it, and this album has been making my life more enjoyable ever sense. And if that’s not good enough to make it into the top 5, then I don’t know what is.

4. of Montreal – Hissing Fauna, Are You the Destroyer? (2007)

You know how eating a lot of candy is really fun and easy but it rots your teeth out? Well this album is like candy for your brain: fun, easy, and brain-rotting. The first part of the record is almost too much sugary sweet goodness to handle, but once you hit the 12 minute centerpiece of the album, things take a dark turn for the better, and the album just rides the wave of weird through to the end. This is probably the best sequenced album on this list, but because it’s so easy to listen to, you have to be careful. This shit will rot your brain right out of your skull. I’m on too much of a sugar high to care.

3. Belle & Sebastian – Dear Catastrophe Waitress (2003)

Some albums were just meant for sunny days. This is one of them, but it goes beyond that to make any day into a sunny day when you listen to it. This is the definition of pop music. It will make you feel good, no matter what, and that is the bottom line. It may lack the charm of their first couple records, and the lyrics may not be as good, and the production may be too much for some people. But each song is so immaculately arranged, so painstakingly put together, that it’s hard to say this is not Belle & Sebastian at the top of their game. They may not be quite as charming as they once were, but they have become a tight pop music machine, and I’m not gonna argue with that.

2. Against Me! – Against Me! is Reinventing Axl Rose (2002)

I’m taking off the gloves here, and I will go to the mat for this record. By now Against Me! have lost almost all of their fans, who feel betrayed by their acceptance of success. I have never felt betrayed by Against Me!, but these feelings of betrayal just go to show what the band managed to accomplish on their first record. No one felt betrayed when Nickelback’s second album was ridiculous, because their first album was ridiculous. You can only be betrayed by something that means a lot to you, and this album meant everything to a lot of people, myself included. But I cannot feel betrayed by the band evolving. If there was another Reinventing Axl Rose, this one wouldn’t be as special, and to me that would not be worth it, because this record got everything just right. Equal parts folk, punk, and jangly guitar pop, all coming at you with just about as much sincerity as you can handle. When your songs are this tight, you don’t even need a snare drum. And when your first record is this good, you don’t need to prove anything to anyone.

Now we’ve reached the part of the show where everyone says “Jeezus Christ!”, throws their arms in the air, and goes home. If anyone stayed with me through Against Me! being number two, I’m afraid I’m gonna lose you with this one. But for me, this is as good as it gets, and if you can’t hang, then get the fuck off the monkey bars.

1. Islands – Arm’s Way (2008)

Sometimes a record is just too good for anyone to like it. Maybe the arrangements are too dense. Maybe the song structures are too complex. Maybe the thing is just too damn epic. Unless you are one of the few people who can handle all of those things, you’re not going to like this record. But if you think you can get down with all that stuff, hold onto your fucking socks, because they are about to get blown clean off. I don’t know how long it took to write each of these songs, but I’m gonna go with a conservative estimate of four years. They build, they release, they meander, they change time, they split up, they converge, they climb, they fall, and they skyrocket to new heights you never even knew were possible. It’s 70 minutes long, but it never drags, which is quite an amazing feat in and of itself, since plenty of 40 minute albums are a chore just to stay awake through. The lyrics may not be that good, but who cares? Lyrics are something that people who don’t care about music care about. I don’t actually believe that, so save your hate mail for something really worthy, but I do almost always think that the actual music is the most important part of a record. And the music here is like the tower of Isengard: huge, dark, foreboding, but standing as a testament to its creators. Islands have created a masterpiece, taking cues from throughout the decade, and I can’t think of an album more deserving of the spot on the top of this list.

Soooo, in the immortal words of Little Sis: “That’s it and that’s all.” There are no honorable mentions, because I don’t believe in that shit. If it didn’t make the list, fuck it, I don’t wanna hear it. So until 2019….. oh wait, I forgot about 2012. NM.

What is metal, anyway? This question is very important to be able to evaluate this record. Can metal be beautiful? Can metal be danceable? I think the common view of metal is something that is crushing, with an overwhelming low end. This is certainly what that other metal band from Savannah has been working on, but let’s face it: Crushing. Is. Over. Converge did it, and Converge did it better, so just give the fuck up or take metal somewhere new. Baroness has opted for the latter, and metal thanks them.

The album starts off in a pretty traditional way, with a “Master of Puppets” sounding intro track leading into something reminiscent of that other metal band from Savannah. But after about a minute or so, they start to move away from that typical “metal” sound. Really melodic vocals. A drummer who doesn’t have to show off (!). Basically it’s the sound of band that knows they can kick your ass, but they’ve moved beyond trying to prove it. Metallica is still trying to prove they can kick my ass, and I still don’t believe them.

The whole album is filled with unusual (for metal anyway) song structures, warm production that makes everything sound so much better than your typical metal album, and wicked-ass guitar. I don’t know what pedals these guys are using, but they’ve got some good ones. They’re really bringing a southern rock element into metal, and it works really well.

In addition to an original take on metal, there are some songs that put a metal edge on some stuff that is definitely not metal. I’m pretty sure the drummer from Muse is on “O’er Hell and Hide”, making perhaps the first ever “dance-metal” song. And I’m pretty sure “Steel that Sleeps the Eye” is what the Fleet Foxes were going for, only far more interesting. That song leads into the six-and-a-half minute “Swollen and Halo”, which I can’t even begin to describe, so I’ll just say that this is the song that cements these guys as the saviors of metal. No one has done anything this original with metal for almost 20 years.

Bringing the record to its climax, “The Gnashing” starts off sounding like an Allman Brothers* song. Then the drums kick in, and it REALLY sounds like an Allman Brothers song. Then it picks up, builds, and turns into what is probably the most beautiful metal song I’ve ever heard, if I’m allowed to say that word. It’s really inspiring stuff, and an amazing way to finish an amazing album.

So while some idiots may not see this as “true metal”, it’s really about as true as you’re gonna get. It’s metal with some fucking soul, which is what the shit needs right now. So the naysayers can take their fucking Dethklok or whatever bullshit is popular now and go to hell, because I’m going to Savannah, GA, where metal is being reborn, and Baroness is making it better than ever before.

*Kyle gets credit for the Allman Brothers comparison.

I must admit that I was anticipating this album (something I have never done with a Weezer album because I didn’t start listening to them until long after they had made anything decent) because of the single “(If You’re Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To”. I will stand by that song as one of the best power-pop songs of the decade this side of “Stacy’s Mom”. But after those three-and-a-half minutes of bliss (Track 1), you have to listen to the rest of the album, and that’s where the fun ends.

The three songs following “…I Want You To” effectively kill any hope that song may have given you for Weezer. They are firmly rooted in the “Beverly Hills” notions of “We like to get drunk and fuck hos, but we’re goofy!” Alright guys, let me break this down; One song about that shit: MAYBE tongue-in-cheek; Four songs: You’re fucking bro-dudes. You’re not actually being goofy. You’re the nerdy version of Nickelback, albeit with better influences. And that might even be worse than actually BEING Nickelback, because at least their not trying to hide anything. Everyone already knows that they’re gross as shit.

After that, things pretty much go from disgusting to sad, with the band approximating a second-rate Fountains of Wayne at best. At worst, you get the track “Love Is the Answer”. Sitar? Bollywood vocals? Are they trying to get on the Slumdog Millionaire 2 soundtrack, because that’s the only possible explanation I can think of. It’s definitely the weirdest thing on the album, and this is a Weezer album with Lil Wayne on it, so chew on that for a bit.

I’d like to end this thing on a positive note, so here’s the letter I am going to send Weezer about the last track on the album, “I Don’t Want To Let You Go”:

Dear Weezer,

I really like the cover of Hoobastank’s “The Reason” you did on your new record. I think I like it even better than the original, which is saying a lot. I appreciate that you changed the title and lyrics so that even though it’s a song I’ve heard before, it almost seems like I’m actually listening to something new that you wrote. Please do that one Snow Patrol song on your next CD.

Love,
Jack